Can't believe it's been 2 years... but it already feels like forever to me.  I miss holding you, I miss hugging you, I miss talking with you, laughing with you, drawing with you, building Legos with you, even making fun of Austin with you!! I MISS YOU BENTLEY!!!!!!!!!!!!

Sometimes it still feel kind of unreal that you're not with us anymore. Really? But the reality tell me 'yes'.  Because everyday I am talking with your picture, smiling at your picture, hugging your stuff animals, and staring at your face through a photo frame.

So often that I try to be strong, to be tough... it's hard! But practice makes perfect. So now, sometimes I don't even know if I'm really feeling sad or happy! It's just weird. I think I'm good at hiding my feeling that no one will easily know I'm sad when they see me smile. One minute I can be laughing, but next minute when I turned around... I might be spacing out and staring in the air. Hah, now that you all know... so if next time you see me with a smile and can keep talking & talking... I'm good.  But if you see my smile, but I give you short answers... you better give me a hug instead.

Life is getting 'interesting'...  Finally, I'm learning how to be an adult!! It's not easy for me to get to this tough.  Thank goodness, I found my church just about 2 years before everything happen.  And once again, I feel 'protected'... by my FATHER again. And I'm glad I brought my 3 'babies' to know Jesus.  Because after all, it prepared them well for Bentley's 'big battle' with the tumor.

We're blessed. With all that happened and happening, I have family & friends who love me so much. Thank you for all the supports with prayers and love. Sometimes it still feel like in a dream... but I have faith to my Lord.  I trust that HE will give me strength... I trust that HE will give me peace... and I trust HIM to be my guardian. Perhaps one day HE will answer me all the 'whys'.

We're as busy as we should be and I'm still adjusting our new life style. Life with teenagers seems a bit easier than with toddlers.  I feel like we're more like friends nowadays.  Our new home seems to be much better than the last.  Living as a single parent is not as tough as I thought... only I don't get extra person to take them to school if I'm not feeling well. Well, I'm still learning how to be a better parent... and to be a better adult (...hope it's not too late for this one!)

HAPPY THANKSGIVING to all!! I'm so thankful for my family and friends... for their continuing love and support.  And I'm so thankful for Christina, Austin and Bentley... for teaching me how to love.

Last but not least... Please don't forget to PRAY for our many other big fighters and their families, who still fighting hard with the monster! PRAY for peace in all the families who has an angel!... and PRAY for a cure to all childhood cancer!

"LOVE like a kid... PLAY like a kid... and FIGHT like a kid!!"

Blessed...

Wow, can't believe it's been that long since my last post.  Things have been keeping me so busy here and there... and everywhere!  I missed writing my blog, not because I want to tell everyone everything about my 'new life' but have the opportunity to express myself, which I think it's the best way to relief some stress inside my mind.

Today is 1 1/2 yr since Bentley passed.  Thinking about it, tears just came down automatically as I'm typing... but it will be so automatically stopped when my mind goes to think about something else.  I actually think this is so weird and relate this to some sort of mental issues!  I always wonder how I can live with a mix feeling for the rest of my life?... One second I'm laughing, a few seconds later I will  be sobbing... this usually happen when I'm making dinner.  I was giggling with Chris & Austin, then I turn around and cry with an onion!!  Not because of the ONION itself, but it's the story behind it that makes me cry.

It's all the memories of Bentley that I don't want to miss out and forget.  Whenever I cut onions, and you all know it will make you cry because... it's an onion!  But whenever Bentley saw me cry over an onion (we called it 'having the onion eye'), Bentley would come over and ask if I want to borrow his goggles!!  He has a great sense of humor, but I think it's more on the caring side.  And when I say I don't want his goggles, he would say, so let me have the onion eye too!  Bentley wants to see how and why an onion makes tears!  Then he would get close to the chopping board and keep blinking his eyes..... suddenly he'd screamed and fled to Austin and yelled.... "ahhhhh,  I got the onion eyes!!!!"... so funny!  It just makes me smile to think about all his funny things.

I just missed all these fun times... now that Chris & Austin are both jr. high kids, we are having 'big kids' life - BUSY!  We are in another stage of life I guess.  And I am adjusting myself to be a mom of teenagers, no more baby talk.  But I really missed it.  May be that's why I like my job being with the little kiddos.

On Mother's day, I think I have a 2nd experience of Bentley's 'visit'.  We were at the park with my parents and my brother & sister's family.  Kids were playing with the cousins and adults were chatting.  Suddenly there's a bird flew by and landed next to us.  The distance was close enough to say it's among us.  And you will seldom have a bird stayed so close to you if you're not feeding them.  Seemed like it's watching and looking at us.  We're so quiet for a moment tried not to scare it away,... I looked into it's eyes and think... 'are you Bentley?'  Then I told Austin, 'may be it's Bentley!'  'He came to say Happy Mother's Day!' my sister said.  While I was so excited to get my camera, I think I saw tears in my mom's eyes.  Gosh!... I can't cry.  I have to capture the moment!  Had a pleasant and calm feeling while I'm looking at it through the camera.  Seems like it just let me taking my time to get the right picture.  I remembered every seconds I looked at it.  And the feeling of 'it is Bentley' seems so strong.  No matter there is any scientific proves or not, I am taking it as a yes... there is 'visit' after life.  And I love it!



... it has Bentley's 'feature ~ nice & clean... and getting tall!  I actually don't see another bird like this in the park that day.



This picture took me almost a minute to get Austin & his cousin to post for me.  And the bird was standing there so still until I was satisfied with one.

After all, it's all the blessing from above.  HE gave me bad experiences to make me grow.  HE gives me helping hands when I'm uncertain... and HE gives me good times to know that I'm loved.

Yay! I finally made a new update!  We'll be going to watch Christina singing and dancing tonight at her school choir show.  Last night I was doing some volunteering at the snack bar, and get to 'work' with other parents.  It was a fun night!